Michael's Honest Prayer

Michael sat in the church sanctuary thinking about the poem he had stumbled across earlier in the week.  He pulled a well worn book out of his pocket, leafed through the pages and read it again as he had done multiple times throughout the week.  Each reading only increased his unsettledness.  It had not been mean spirited or harsh or even particularly pointed but simply the thoughts of someone sorting out the realness of their own relationship with the Lord.  Never-the-less, the author’s honesty had been disarming and had opened a door of honest reflection of his own. 

He had found the poem at Goodwill, but it felt more like the poem had found him.  Michael had stopped there early Tuesday evening on a quick errand to find a novelty mug for a friend.  He picked one with a colorfully striped zebra and the caption “Have the Courage to be a Little Crazy.”  Then as he turned to leave, he spotted the book shelves.  Books were a weakness of his, and he promised himself he would only take a quick glance.  Nothing special caught his attention until he spotted a thin dark blue volume entitled Psalms of My Life.  Pulling it off the top shelf and randomly opening it, his eyes fell immediately on “A Psalm of Single Mindedness”.  He hadn’t a clue how deeply it would affect him.

When he finished the reading, he slowly laid the book down on the seat beside of him and covered his face with his hands.  As he reflected, Michael realized how vividly this poem described him…in the negative.  It was everything he was but didn’t want to be.  He thought of all the times he had put up a wall to protect himself and his image.  He thought of how often he had come across as having it all together when he taught.  He thought of how superficial his relationship was with God and others. 

Most of all he thought about how he wanted things to be different.  Picking up the book he read the poem once again.  Only this time from his heart and as an honest prayer:

Lord of reality
make me real
not plastic
synthetic
pretend phony
an actor playing out his part
hypocrite.
I don’t want
to keep a prayer list
but to pray
nor agonize to find Your will
but to obey
what I already know
to argue
theories of inspiration
but submit to Your Word.
I don’t want
to explain the difference
between eros and philos
and agape
but to love.
I don’t want
to sing as if I mean it
I want to mean it.
I don’t want
to tell it like it is
but to be it
like you want it.
I don’t want
to think another needs me
but I need him
else I’m not complete.
I don’t want
to tell others how to do it
but to do it
to have to always be right
but to admit it when I’m wrong.
I don’t want to be a census taker
but an obstetrician
nor an involved person, a professional
but a friend.
I don’t want to be insensitive
but to hurt where other people hurt
nor to say I know how you feel
but to say God knows
and I’ll try
if you’ll be patient with me
and meanwhile I’ll be quiet.
I don’t want to scorn the clichés of others
but to mean everything I say
including this.    
                      - Joseph Bayly