Clearing Two: Trustful Dependence

After graduating from a small Bible college in the Appalachians, Diana and I were married.  Our intentions were to be missionaries in South Africa, but that plan was preempted by an offer to become a staff member at Diana’s home church.  I really enjoyed those twelve years as a youth pastor.  Life was good on many fronts.    

If you were on the outside looking in during those years, you probably would think we had a good marriage too.  After all we were doing all the “right” things - living on a strict budget, serving in ministry together, having a regular date night and trying to meet each other’s “felt” needs.  Truth is that in time struggles came, and we often felt like failures. 

Marriage revealed that we were selfish.  Parenting showed the extent of our selfishness.  I was often frustrated in those days and responded in anger more often than I care to recount.  The feeling of failure increased.  

One evening while showering I was overwhelmed after having blown it once again.  I couldn’t seem to get it right and cried out in desperation.  “I just can’t do it.  I can’t live the Christian life.”  In the solitude of that shower there came a quiet reminder of something that had slipped.  “You can if you let Me live my life through you.”  

A few months prior I had faced an incident that left me distressed.  A Christian friend, who himself was recovering from brain surgery, took notice and asked if we could meet for coffee.  He gave words of encouragement and suggested I read a book that had been meaningful in his life.    

While reading the book it soon became apparent that my life was not a trustful dependence upon God. This was painfully true in the one area I felt good about – my ministry.  It was not marked by the language of prayer.  I had exchanged the sacred care of souls for running the church.  Ministry was more about what I was doing for Him rather than what He was doing in and through us. 

While this brought an initial convicting sting, it became a refreshing time.  The pressure was off to get it “right” by my best efforts.  Our marriage began to grow into the kindred-spirit companionship we both desired.  Ministry became more prayerful. 

I discovered that there is a spaciousness and vastness in relationship with the Spirit of God; that life in Christ is whole and freeing.  I discovered too that trustful dependence in God is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living.