The First Clearing: Surrender

In the spirit of last week’s post I’m writing about the first clearing in my life.  It is best summarized as a time of surrender: 

Recollections of my childhood are filled with many happy memories even while being peppered with a good amount of anxiety.  I had a large family of cousins who played together, parents who said, “I love you”, an aunt who read books to me, and a childhood friend who was like a brother.  Gatlinburg was practically in my backyard and Big Orange sporting events were just down the road in Knoxville. 

I believed in the name of Christ as a child, but for some reason the aliveness of this relationship was lost on me as a young man.

Anger, insecurity and emptiness marked my life in those days.  I grasped for relief in a number of ways but always landed back in the same spot.  Neither sports nor music, dating relationships nor cars, partying nor “freedom” brought any long term satisfaction.  The abuse of drugs and alcohol only added to my dysfunction.  I discovered that self does not satisfy for very long. 

Outwardly I was surrounded by lots of friends, many who remain so to this day.  Inwardly though I felt lost and empty.  Often in the stillness of the night, away from the noise of the day, away from the distraction of a party, I was extremely lonely.  All seemed hopeless.

Relationships of course were tenuous.  Self centeredness has an effective way of strangling relationships and eventually destroying them.  I did more than my share of hurting others and increasing my pain as well as theirs.    

Late one fall I found myself as a college drop-out and a fired employee.  Winter was setting in, there were no jobs in sight, and I was directionless.  At this time, at just the right time, a ray of light shone into the darkness. 

It started with reading the Bible, just routinely at first, a chapter or so a day, and though I had read it many times before this was different.  The words started speaking to me, answering questions, filling in the void of my life.   

After a few months there came a time, a defining point, when I realized that authentically following Christ was an all or nothing proposition.  While counting the cost, I prayerfully surrendered myself to Christ.  There were no fireworks, no out of body experiences, no signs and miracles but something much more.  The best way to describe it is that a settled peace ensued and the emptiness evaporated. 

I would never want to go back to those times.  It’s not because all problems went away or I reached some sort of perfection.   No, I’m still plenty human.  It’s because God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him.